Rainy days


Only me and the mini nugget today. Couldn’t be bothered to travel far so decided to take him to the blue diamond aka wyvale soft play.

Now I detest soft plays. I see them more as an incubator for every type of germ going (we’ve all seen the kids dribbling all over the ball pits). It’s bad enough spending the whole summer holidays germ free to then send the kids back to school with them coming home with colds on the first day! Erghh.

Anyway sod it he’s got a cold anyway may as well share the love plus its close and involves minimal imagination vs maximum fun for Elliot.

Now I’m sure this is a local haunt for a lot of mums and I wonder if its just me that has realised this place is going down the Shitter. I know its been taken over recently but my god the lack of care for this place is litrally seeping out of the doorway. It used to at least have an inviting well informed entrance to the soft play…Not any more. They cant even be arsed to type a note informing you that they can’t be bothered or have no staff to man the soft play anymore but instead you have to pay at the customer service desk. I’m honest so I did but I’ll let you into a secret. The whole time we were in there not one single member of staff so much as popped their heads in to check. We could have gotten away with not paying and I don’t think anyone would give a crap! I should have charged them commission for telling people where to pay. The amount of times I saw parents queuing up waiting to come In looking confused!

It pee’s me off when you get there and your kids spot it and bolt’s for the gate. Which isn’t locked or manned anymore by the way. Literally walk in and help yourself. Don’t expect a hot drink if you’re flying solo with the kids either because we all know once you’re in theres no way of getting the kids out so you can go and buy a hot drink from the counter that is manned by 1-2 members of staff max! Oh and if you do decided to join the monster queue good luck the session will be over by the time you get served. Hahaha who am I kidding they don’t check session times anymore! Stay as long as you like. By the looks of the floors and tables they don’t check it at all haha!

Now I’ve been mean I know but I’m sure by now if you’ve read my other reviews its just tough love and I don’t mind rattling a few cages. It’s just my opinion people chill.

That being said the soft play itself is in fairly ok Nick. Save a few annoyances I.e the button which all the kids press not working which in all fairness to blue diamond (really want to call them white lightning) hasn’t worked in about 2 years, the ball pit at the back of the toddler bit has a sever lack of balls dont let the toddlers jump on their legs will break! Oh and the play area out the back I’ve seen open maybe twice not a huge loss anyway it’s pretty crap.

Ok has anyone seen the steps from the top of the toddler area that go down to the second floor? I’m telling you now that’s a stairway to hell. The kids try and bump down on their arses but the steps are so steep and where they’re filled with so much soft it acts as a trampoline lifting them in the air and launching them forwards into the cross bar twatting their faces. If they miss their face they now have whiplash! No matter how many times I try to tell him to go down backwards they just love ignoring us! I tried to prevent the inevitable I saw what was happening Elliot at the top ready to slide down the steps on his butt so I launch myself in there in the process twat my own head on a low bar and oh. my. god I nearly cried. That bar nearly had me at one point I did wonder if I’d make it or if id have to call the ambulance haha. I tried to pretend it didn’t happen but I’m sure it was spotted. I’d have wet myself if id seen another parent do it. Alas my head twatting didn’t prevent Elliots face twatting. Now he’s crying and I’m trying not to cry from my own pain!

After the head thumping incidents the play went smoothish from then on. Apart from me getting my fat arse stuck in the car wash spinners while trying to get Elliot out (luckily no one saw this. I don’t think)

I finally managed to bribe Elliot out if the soft play with the promise of fish…Not the finger kind but the swimming kind.

I’m not sure if you all do this too but we went to the fish shop the one that burnt down (the poor fish) It’s awesome in there. They even had rays in there today. Sea world eat your heart out! Blue planet you can shove your overpriced entry up your butts we have world of water aquatic center right here in Bicester for free!

It’s clean, it’s educational the kids love it and you can even pay to feed the fish. You know the kind they charge you an arm and a leg for to feed a penguin and call it a zoo keeper experience. Well this is only £1!! Ok it may only be koi carp but i could have told Elliot he was feeding sharks and he’d have known no different (the joys of a 2 year old still knowing sod all)

Once your little one has screamed at every fish while you hold their little fists back so they don’t punch a hole in the tanks. Head out to the back garden lots of water play. Sod you Garth park my kids can come here and play in the fountains for free! I’m not entirely sure if you’re supposed to allow the kids to do this or not so best not pack their swim stuff and a picnic just incase you get escorted out. Although I’d love to see that plastered all over the Bicester chat sites ??

(Scoring based on the soft play)
Distance from Bicester: 0
Sat nav: Bicester Avenue, Oxford Rd, Oxford OX25 2NY
Wheelchair friendly: yes
Equipment upkeep: 7/10 some parts need updating
Cleanliness: 5/10 Needs a clean. No dog poo though!
Facilities: 10/10 cafe, toilets, parking etc
Age range: All ages
Safety: 6/10 dont care how soft it is my head still hurts
Fun factor: 10/10 based on Elliots day not mine
Dog friendly: Don’t think they’d apreciate dog turd in the ball pit…doubt they’d notice though.

At the end of the day i’d still say it’s a good afternoon or morning for the kids. Im aware the place is still in the process of handing over so give them time maybe. I just dont like soft plays and that’s my own issue. I’m just disappointed at the lack of shits given from the management. I’m not going to blame the floor staff because we all know shit rolls downhill so if you work there no offence please dont gob in my coffee next time I’m in and decide to queue for the hour haha I’m kidding…..or am I? If you do go, get to the fish shop its great fun. Don’t get caught up in the magic of wanting to buy a fish tank because your kid loves it in there. If you’re like me the tank never looks as nice it’ll cloud up, the kids won’t be able to see the fish, they’ll stop caring and eventually they will all die youll have to explain to your kids why your flushing goldie down the bog and it’ll be all your fault!

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