Warning this post will contain a lot of swear words mostly because this has got to be the the the worst park I have ever been too!! How the fuck this place is still open to the public is beyond me!

DO NOT TAKE YOUR KIDS HERE!!!!

I shit you not a child will get seriously injured/die here any time soon. From a distance I was excited. Mostly because i have the eyesight of a mole!

This was the second park out if the 3 we went to today. Bit of a kids version of a pub crawl. (No alcohol was consumed during this park crawl)

The park was easy enough to find and has a large car park ideal for an ambulance to gain access because they’ll bloody need it! It’s adjacent to a large field. Plenty of space for playing football or flying a kite etc. Probably the only safe thing about this place of I’m honest! The village hall is situated here too but i can’t make comment on that as it was shut. Probably full of the dead who dared to use the park!

Toddler Area 

First things first. The toddler park, plus side its all fenced in. Down side, a fart could knock it over! one gate wasn’t working but i saw this as a plus. It’s nice to keep the escape exits clear. It has a cute little wooden train climbing frame where the children can be the driver. Elliot climbed straight onto this and got a splinter. When I say splinter it was more like a twig had embedded itself into his hand. At this point I’d really started to notice how shoddy this place was.

I thought it best I climbed up with him before he attempted the slide…thank God I did! There’s a random open side for absolutely no apparent reason other that to possibly trick the little buggers into nose diving to their deaths below. I half expected to see a pit with spikes below and a bunch of half naked guys ready to pounce with their spears! (I’ve recently warned Indiana Jones in case you’re wondering) that’s not the worst. The whole structure is unstable!

Now I know i’m carrying a bit of trunk but seriously if you’re on the tubby side or your kids are don’t go on here!! We managed to get to the slide! Well shit the bed this was scary for all the wrong reasons! Thought the thing was going to give in! The supports are shot to shit and it wobbles all over the place (A 2 year olds weight this was. I’d have crushed it like a leaf).

Timber train of death 

Apart the the timber death train. The under 10s area had some spring face twatters, baby swings and a huge metal digger to make sure if your child didn’t get mangled in the train then this could finish the job! The whole under 10 play area is just shit. Moving on……

Outside of the smaller kids area was the big kids area. This fucker is a whole new kettle of fish. They’ve well and truly upped their game here. They’ve made it look so irresistible to the untrained eyes of a child. They have zero idea of what the hell they’re letting themselves into if they scale the mountain of doom disguised as a slide. To me it looked pretty cool….then we started the assent. I could imagine climbing mount Etna as it erupts while blindfolded would be safer than this bastard! I wish I’d taken a flag to stick on the top to say we’d conquered it and survived.

Dead or Alive 

After dodging the holes and the rusty nails sticking out I thought we may as well go down the thing. It was 50/50 as to whether we’d make it down alive either way. The slide down was fine Elliot loved it especially the hump in the middle so when they go over at speed they take off slightly. Butt clenched he made it without needing a tetnis shot!

Thought I’d have a closer look at the frame supporting the slide….HOLY MOTHER OF DIABLO! If I’d have seen this shower of shit first we wouldn’t have gone up!! The thing looks like it’s been made of pallets and crappy ones at that! Holes everywhere, rotting with split on the 2 main support beams. When (not if) this collapses a child will die or be severely disabled for life. This isn’t even an exaggeration its a bloody long way to fall! No amount of safety matting is saving that face as it plummets.

Obstacle course of course 

Onto the obstacle course!!! I can imagine the SAS could use this to train their recruits on the pressure of the front line. Bear Grylls couldn’t do this even if he did drink a litre of his own piss first! Elliot is a climber so of course thought he could do it! Bad mummy didn’t catch him quick enough and the poor think fell off the wobbly (wasn’t supposed to wobble) plank and twatted his ribs.

We did see that the older kids swings had been mended. Or at least that what my first thought after seeing what looked like new wooden supports……great I thought that’s until i looked up. Only 1 screw holding the chains for the swings in hahaha the other half was missing. It was practically hanging down. Thank god I didn’t sit on it I’d have had a sore arse for all the wrong reasons!

That was enough for us. I’m not shocked easily but that place is beyond a joke I was actually angry by the end of our visit.

Save your dogs 

Dogs are not allowed anywhere here not even on the field. Apparently children play here!! Those kids who play there must have giant balls! I wouldn’t take my dog (if i had one) anyway. It’s probably mistake the rotting fence as a stick, try and fetch it and collapse the whole play area!

The most ironic thing I saw was the poster stuck next the the signage for the under 10s area. Informing visitors that Souldern needs help to fund a defibrillator. No fucking shit Sherlock. I urge you all if you have a spare quid donate to this cause because after seeing that play park they’re going to bloody need it!!




Souldern Play Park Stats: 

Distance from Bicester: 17 mins
Sat nav: Souldern, OX27 7JB, Oxfordshire, Click to open navigation. 
Wheelchair friendly: Big fat Nope
Equipment upkeep: 0/10 Needs demolishing
Cleanliness: 9/10 very clean the only plus point
Facilities: 4/10 for the car park
Age range: All ages if you dare
Safety: 0/10 never thought I’d see this score
Fun factor: 1/10
Dog friendly: No but don’t worry its not human friendly either.

Conclusion 

Before anyone gets on their high horses. I will be informing the council of this death trap it needs to be shut down. In hindsight I should probably have not let my own child on any of this equipment but i honestly didn’t realise the severity of most of the Equipment until after we’d started by which point it was to late to turn back. I do not recommend this park. The only thing i would recommend is stay the hell away! Try a nicer park like the Somerton one just down the road.

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