Christmas 2018


Saturday morning the day after the night before and old genius over here had the bight idea to go and see the Christmas lights in the shopping centre at Milton Keynes. What could possibly go wrong? Hangover, Saturday on the run up to Christmas, 2 kids, 1 husbeast and a shopping centre.

Shit Idea

Don’t get me wrong the Shopping centre has outdone itself again for their Christmas lights. Ill put my hands up and admit that this was all my own fault.

Navigated ourselves into the centre of MK (does it even have a centre) this place has always baffled the shit out of me. Where the fucks the high street? its like on big feck off maze. I think even if i was born there i’d still end up mostly lost. It all looks the bloody same! If ever there was going to be a real life Mario Kart track in the UK it should be here.


Parking was ok. Best make a pin point on google maps so you know where you’ve parked otherwise you’ve got shit all chance of finding your car again. Tip: Take change for parking for the love of god. Its just as hard trying to use their phone service as it is to navigate around the town ( or is it a city?)

We headed into the nearest shop which just so happened to be Debenhams (just as hard to find your way out of that fucker too). This lead us into the older half of the shopping centre. They have some really cute mechanical bits opposite 5 guys where the frog blows bubbles and lots of stuff moved. The centre was rammed. We were going to buy some bits but we took one look in the first shop and thought fuck that! 

Land train

We kept walking and noticed there was a kids road train that was offering rides through the shopping centre. Yeah great idea from the pleb who came up with that. Lets drive a feckin train full of kids through a shopping centre on a weekend. What could possibly go wrong? I’ll tell you what. DEATH! ok maybe not death but lots of little kids running head on into the train wanting to jump on board while its still in motion. 

We fought our way out and found ourselves in that limbo bit that’s kind of outside but inside between the 2 centres. There was a little fair ground ride (cheers dickheads) and a mini soft play (nothing special) and the train stop. So now you know where to catch the train that pisses everyone off.

Hell itself 

Then we headed into hell itself. Pure fucking hell! people everywhere! no escape whatsoever. Elliot running off like a tit because he wanted to walk and refused to get in the pram. Clark sat in the pram because he didn’t want to sodding walk. By now i was feeling extremely stabby. What is wrong with people dawdling along like tossers with not a care in the world. cant you tell I’m hungover Gavin get the shit out of my fucking way.

After tracking through what felt like the Amazon jungle with an indigenous tribe hot on our heels we arrived at the Christmas area.

Christmas Zone 

Its pretty there’s no denying that and every year its a little bit different. This year there was a big Helta Skeltah. The place was rammed as you can imagine but the kids were at least a little bit calmer now they could see flashy shit.

We decided to take them on the train. You don’t need to prebook the train you just pay £2 per person. The queue for the train wasn’t to big at all……Probably because it lasts about as long as a teenage boy losing his virginity. I mean it was pretty but we were definitely expecting a round 2 (That’s what she said haha) 

Big slide 

Time for the big slide. The kids both went on but the husbeast had to go on with Elliot (thank god i took them on the train). Again £2 a person but sod it if it shuts their whining up for long enough to give my hangover a rest who am i to complain. I had a great time at the bottom waiting for my lot to come down. I was however the only person laughing when some lanky kid put his feet down too soon and went flying over the end and face planted the safety matting. (He was fine by the way) 


They also have a really cool double Decker vintage looking carousel that we didn’t go on, a Giant photo snow globe thing £10 for a photo which i thought was pretty good. No way was i going to have a family Christmas photo with me looking like Rik Mayall from bottom though. This is also where you will find the Santa’s Grotto. Now we’ve been every year since Clark was 1 and we have loved it! based on past experiences its great. However we’ve never been on a weekend so maybe that’s why we liked it so much. This year we’re trying a new Grotto so i’m hoping its good! 

Enough is enough

By this point i’d just had enough the kids were hitting their tired whiney mode. My hangover was still going strong and the husbeast was doing my head in. We did briefly visit the outdoor Christmas market in the centre of the centre. The food smelt amazing but we were destined for McDonald’s. The one at Baynards green though because lets be honest the one in Bicester is shit. The only McDonald’s i know to take the fast out of fast food.

Overall i would recommend going. Maybe not with a hangover or if you generally hate the general public. If however you’re normal and don’t mind crowds and just get on with it then just go here its a perfect way to get your Christmas shopping done if you have the kids in tow. 


For more ideas on how to get in the Christmas spirit or where to avoid if you dont want to get in the spirit then have a look HERE

INTU are always putting on events too so head over to their facbook page to keep up to date on whats on HERE

Here’s a little video of our day in hell all spruced up with happy music to make you think we’re a normal functioning family having a great time:

And last but not least if you don’t appreciate my shitty videoing skills then try my crappy photography skills instead :




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